Contemplative Pastor

Lela

2008-05-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

Lela was born today. My 8 lb 4oz niece. All pink and pure and peaceful as any baby has ever looked...watched over by a weeping, new daddy.

I want that. I want that moment and all of the wonderful burden and sacrifice that comes with it. It’s why I work so hard for success. It’s why I still carry hope for this life. That in the midst of this broken and meaningless world, there is still a thread of heaven woven through it.

Lela is proof of that heaven on earth. I want meaningless financial success, so that I can afford the things that have meaning in life: time alone with God, one good woman, a herd of children, secure college funds, 6,000 dinners with dad and three trips the emergency room.

You can have fame and fancy cars. I’ll be happy with these.

LIVE IN REVERSE

2008-05-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

Just some lyrics to a song a wrote:

LIVE IN REVERSE

[VERSE 1]

I wanna live with hope
Live with the lovin'
of life
and the longing to breathe

I wanna feel all the feelings
That come with the memories
of the times
only loved when they leave

[CHORUS]

So let me live in reverse
Reminisce the remaining
and let what will be...be

Let me live in reverse
Rekindle the kindness
of innocence, lost...on me

[VERSE 2]

I wanna hold on to hopin'
The days are behind me
that kill
a heart of belief

I wanna look for the longing
and long for the dreamin'
I can be
What I dreamed I could be

[CHORUS]

So let me live in reverse
Reminisce the remaining
and let what will be...be

Let me live in reverse
Rekindle the kindness
of innocence, lost...on me

[BRIDGE]

It's times like these
That steal my dreams
That it could ever be
The way to use to be

They whisper to me
That the best has fleed
and there are no guarantees
Oh, memories are thieves

[CHORUS]

So let me live in reverse
Reminisce the remaining
and let what will be...be

Let me live in reverse
Rekindle the kindness
of innocence, lost...on me

So let me live in reverse
Reminisce the remaining
and let what will be...be

Let me live in reverse
Rekindle the kindness
of innocence, lost...on me

Rest

2008-04-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a along time I am coming upon the precipice of peace. It’s horizon is rising to me, as my world bows before it.

And that is how it happens. We think it rises, but it comes with our bowing.

There are tears at the basin of my soul. Tears so weighed down they have no spring to purge them. But at least, at last, I begin to rest.

Stillness used to hold me. My blanket, my covering, my child-like hiding. But life turned to fire and all comfort was consumed in its fury.

"All is well with my soul," is the statement of my holding, halting, letting go. But after years of constant churning, it is a feeling almost of sea-sickness. It is a good withdrawal from the world and that self.

So in stillness I sit. In peace I am found. In resting I am whole.